(Editorial Comment #1 from the American Heathen® radio show – Air Date 05/21/10)
I was taking a big shit the other day as I surfed the net looking for stories for the show. I sat quietly, enjoying the moment as my ass carefully laid a series of massive logs gently into the bowl beneath it. No “plop, plop” here, just a gentle release of biomass and a sense of relief and satisfaction for successfully making a deposit into my septic system that didn’t result in a brain hemorrhage and death. When I finished I set the computer down on the counter next to me and proceeded to measure out the correct amount of toilet paper for the job at hand (pun intended). With each firm but gentle wipe, I carefully examined the color and texture of my stool remnants. At my age, it’s important to check your shit for any signs of illness. You know… things like internal bleeding, pieces of rectum, bowel or intestine? Anyway… I finished wiping my bung hole and the area around it. I stood up, turned around and inspected my handiwork as it rested in the bottom of the bowl. It was then that I noticed that my shit really smelled bad. Now, I’m not talking fart bad here. I’m talking rotting, decaying, dead stink. My nose turned up and away. PHEW! DAMN! It was at that very moment that a light-bulb turned on above my head and I came up with tonight’s editorial. My shit really stinks, and I’m not afraid to admit it.
My shit does indeed stink and I’m not afraid nor reluctant to admit it. In fact, I actually enjoy stepping forward and announcing that my shit stinks. It’s very liberating, cleansing, and honest. I also realize that the older I get, the stinkier my shit gets and I’m proud to admit it. My shit really stinks, and it’s only going to get worse. But, fortunately for everyone else, with the exception of my wife, I will absolutely keep my stinky shit to myself. You see, it’s important to keep your stinky shit to yourself and admit that it’s really stinky. It’s called showing a little respect for other human beings. There’s no need to share my stinky shit with the world. Really.
Christians have some really stinky shit. It’s called christianity. Two thousand-year old stinky shit, and it get’s stinkier everyday. But, most christians won’t admit that their religious stinky shit is stinky. No. They take great pleasure in denying their shit stinks, and they love to force others to smell, and even taste their stinky shit at every opportunity. They can’t seem to keep their stinky shit to themselves. What’s more, they love to bathe and wallow in their stinky shit almost as much as they love smelling their stinky shit, and sharing their stinky shit with everyone. It’s a shit fest of global proportions.
I find it interesting that christians have no idea just how stinky their own shit is. They’ve been sniffing it for so long that they’ve grown used to it I suppose. And, do they even know how utterly disgusting it looks? I mean, they’ll wipe at it from time to time, but never really take a good close look at it. They never inspect the toilet tissue (the bible) and indeed they would never think to look into the bowl (use scientific observation) and check the health of their stinky shit. Nope. They relish the smell, and with every passing decade, the smell grows stinkier and stinkier. And, even more distressing is the fact that they will never flush the toilet for fear of losing the wonderful stench that emanates from their stinky shit. All they care about is making sure that their stinky shit continues to stink, and spread throughout the planet in a massive wave of noxious, disgusting fumes, insulting noses wherever they may breath.
So, while I keep my stinky shit under wraps, under control, and with due diligence inspect it for signs of disease, christians around the world keep piling their shit on with no care whatsoever for who smells it, and with no care to inspect it. I would venture to guess that someday, their christian pile of shit will eventually consume them, and shit them out like so much more shit. And, that my friends, will be some real stinky, stinky shit.