Nothing fails like prayer. And that’s a very good thing. The other day while working out I realized that the prayers of christians come in only two flavors when they pray for non-believers. And neither option is very flavorful or satisfying.
Far from being the Ben & Jerry’s of religion, christianity offers only two prayer flavor choices… “Salvation” or “Destruction”. One appears to be very appetizing, piled high with its bright white cream and a rainbow of little candy sprinkles, shaped like crosses, generously blanketing the top. This flavor is called “Salvation”. The “Salvation” flavored prayer is generally the first prayer to be offered up to the mythical sky-fairy for the Atheist, or non-sectarian believer. On the surface it appears to be a very tasty, loving, caring, compassionate treat, calling for intervention into the life of an individual who’s believed to be unhappy, in emotional pain, desperate for help, and who (it is thought) needs a specific form of guidance. It sounds so delicious, so tempting, so utterly satisfying in its goodness and wholesomeness doesn’t it? But what if the person being prayed for is really happy, content, successful, and enjoying all the wonderful things life has to offer? What if the person is confident, competent, and taking life’s ups and downs in stride? It really doesn’t matter. As far as christians are concerned, they don’t have jesus, and in the alternate reality of christianity no one can possibly be happy without jesus. So… they deliver a quart of the “Salvation” flavored prayer. However, this flavor of prayer is far from good and wholesome. It’s a visual temptation deception masquerading a vile mixture of some of the most toxic and bitter ingredients known to man. Bigotry, hate, jealousy, fear, loathing, despair, self-deprecation… and a healthy dose of sweat from jesus’ mythical balls, all generously mixed into a stomach churning froth of acidic bile specifically designed to poison the victim and bring tears of joyous vengeance and self-vindication to those who are more than happy to deliver it. And woe unto those who refuse to consume it!
But, what happens when folks DO refuse to consume “Salvation”? What happens when they spit “Salvation” out after tasting its putrid, vomit-us, stench? The mix masters of christian prayer flavors have the perfect recipe of revenge for that! “Destruction”! “Destruction” is the end all be all prayer flavor for those who refuse to consume “Salvation” and savor the taste of sweat from jesus’ mythical balls! It’s a black, frothy, bubbling caldron like mixture, teaming with floating feces, candied pitch forks, and sprinkled with tar flakes. Deny jesus and you are certain to taste the wrath of christianity’s finest, most satisfying flavor! (At least it is for them) Made from double the same vile ingredients as “Salvation”, and mixed with three ounces of the blood from jesus’ nut sack, this less than delectable taste treat has been crafted specifically to induce massively severe burns with 16 trillion Scoville Units of hell fire and damnation as it is force-fed to its intended target! Seriously! Deny “Salvation” and you’re guaranteed to taste the blood of jesus’ nut sack and puke fire with “Destruction”!
There really are only two flavors of prayer when it comes to christians praying for folks who don’t believe, or don’t believe in a specific christian dogma. And, that says a great deal about the religion. Do as christianity says, or die as christianity says. “Salvation” or “Destruction”. This “Do or Die” proposition is not loving, caring, empathetic, or compassionate. Of course, christianity has never really been about any of those things. It has been, and always will be, a manufacturer of poison dressed up to appear delicious and satisfying. It’s a feast for the eyes and a gut wrenching bio-hazard. Those who swallow it will suffer the consequences. Blind obedience, subservience, self-deprecation, denial, delusion, endless guilt, and loss of freedom… to name only a few. You will NEVER hear a christian pray for a non-believer’s happiness absent jesus or god. Never. The prayer flavors will always be “Salvation” or “Destruction”. And if a christian ever claims they pray for non-believer’s happiness sans jesus or god… Check their chin for the dripping sweat of jesus’ balls. They just pigged out on “Salvation” and are planning on delivering a quart of “Destruction” to your front door.