“God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”)
I was engaged in the oft maligned nonsense of tweeting recently. Although I have resisted the urge to join the masses in mind-numbing 140 character dialogue in the past, I recently relented when I realized that my new web television series would be best served by my own 140 character tripe. Sometime during my finger cramping exercises I found myself embroiled in a tweet skirmish with a religious believer. My opponent had declared that blasphemous jokes were the sign of a weak mind. Of course, being “America’s Angriest Atheist” I couldn’t resist the challenge to defend blaspheme in all its forms, and the reasons for it. I tweeted “Not weak at all. Smart. If any god needs to be defended by mortals, it’s impotent.” My opponent, on the other hand, tried to escape my wrath with a “God Bless You!” and exited the cage. Or so I thought. Those three words, “God Bless You!” only infuriated me. I responded with , ““God Bless You!” …Which, in religious terms, means fuck off you godless scumbag”. My opponent, jumped back in with “No, if that’s what I wanted to say, that’s what I would have said. But I sincerely pray that God blesses you and all you do.” I really hate when the religious deliver a sucker punch. I responded with , “It can also mean “I sincerely hope your godless happiness is crushed by slavery to my skyfairy.”” His parry, “It can mean whatever you would like it to mean. I meant what I said I meant my man. Have a great one!” Indeed it can. And that leads me to this post.
How do I bless thee? Let me count the ways!
“God Bless You!” What does it mean? Taken at face value, it means absolutely nothing. God is a concept, an idea that deserves no merit, possesses no evidence in support, and has no definitive meaning. “Bless” is an extension of the word “God”, it’s a request for divine (a God’s) favor. Therefore “Bless” becomes meaningless as well. Technically “God Bless You!” should be, “Meaningless Meaningless You!” Or, typed in a popular vernacular, “#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!” And, here in lay the problem with “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”). My opponent was correct when he tweeted that, “It can mean whatever you would like it to mean.” Because, it’s ultimately the person who delivers the “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”) who understands the meaning of the meaningless. But, we can make some pretty reasoned and logical guesses can’t we? So, let’s explore some of the potential meanings behind “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”).
1) You’re at the checkout counter of a store. You’re not wearing anything that might indicate any religious belief. The person behind the counter rings up your purchases, cashes you out and as he/she hands you your receipt they say, “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”).
Potential Meaning: “I’m assuming you’re a god fearing, delusional debutante like me. If not, fuck you… unless of course, you find Jesus staring back at you in the froth of your mocha cappuccino, and repent in the presence of your grilled cheese sandwich.”
2) You’re at the checkout counter of a store. You’re wearing a t-shirt that says “Atheist”. The person behind the counter rings up your purchases, cashes you out and as he/she hands you your receipt they say, “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”)
Potential Meaning #1: “Oooooooo! You’re gonna burn in hell! I knew I should have double charged you for those batteries!”
Potential Meaning #2: “Oh my God! It’s Satan himself! Oh, Jesus save me! Our Father, who art in heaven… Fuck! I know… I’ll say “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”) and the finger of Jesus will pick this bastard’s nose until he bleeds to death.”
Potential Meaning #3: “So, that’s what an atheist looks like! I’ll bet he’s a BEAST in bed! God damn I’d love to fuck his brains out! Oh… that was soooo wrong. Forgive me Jesus! I promise I won’t masturbate to his image when I get home! I promise!”
Yes, indeed. Let us count the many meanings behind the words “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”). We can logically conclude that the number of meanings is only restricted by the number of people who have fallen for the delusion of supernatural dung. But, there’s one meaning that is hidden deeply behind every “God Bless You!” (“#$*^%# #@!*%^ You!”) that cannot escape the detection of non-believers. It’s literal, and it’s succinct. “I’m better than you!”. And to that I say, “$#*@ YOU!”