“Dear Red States” (A Letter From The Blue States)
(The following is a transcript of an impromptu segment by Al Stefanelli on my American Heathen® Internet radio show. Air date of this particular segment: 10/27/12)
Dear Red States:
We’re ticked off at the way you’ve treated the Blue States, and we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, California, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states; we get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty; you get Opry Land. We get Harvard; you get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s we get a bunch of happy families; you get a bunch of single moms.
Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high-tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, Sequoia’s and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We’re taking the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
The Blue States.
This has been making the rounds in emails and on social networks for some time, now. I have not been able to find the author of this, but it is brilliant! If anyone can find the author, please put it in the comments and I will give proper credit.