American Heathen®

(Editorial Comment from  host RJ Evans on his American Heathen® radio show – Air Date 06/09/12)

Up is down and down is up. North is South and East is West. The sun is the moon and the moon is the sun. Rain doesn’t fall, it hovers in the air. I think I’m awake. Wait… Maybe… No. I’m awake. I’m certain. I can feel the broadcast console’s faders under my fingers. The tactile sensation is true. I’m in the studio. I know I’m awake. Please tell me I’m awake. My mind is racing. I can feel my heart thumping hard against the walls of my lungs and the ribs of my chest. Yes. I’m awake. But, nothing makes sense. I must be asleep. But, I’m awake. Is this some sort of joke? Is there no way to discern what’s real and what is not?

No. Reality no longer exists. It has been replaced, supplanted, superseded, reconstituted. In its place, an infinite number of personal choices, decisions left to faltering minds choked off from an ample supply of reason, logic, knowledge and history. Reality has become the sole property of the individual, to wield with abandon, a slashing sword against the flesh of truth. With each totally blind, reckless swing, flesh is sliced, ripped, torn from the bone, bleeding truth dry, leaving its hatched bone to bleach, brittle, and crumble to dust in the dry blazing heat of the desert of man-made desolation.

I must be dreaming. I can’t possibly be awake. Wait. I’ll go downstairs and turn on the television. Yeah. That’s better. Let’s see… The History Channel. Wait a minute! What’s this?

“Welcome to 21^st Century America on the History Channel. No History All The Time! Tonight… Reality? What a concept! Here in America, we create our own individual realities, stuffing them full of ridiculously high calorie, nutrient void, brain numbing, stroke inducing greed, egotism, and self-righteousness, and then blow huge piles of violence and rhetorical distraction out of our asses every hour! Of course, in this day and age it’s important to protect our environmental investment, so the United Corporations of America developed the perfect way to handle all that waste. 24 hour news recycling! Every hour of every day uneducated and overpaid recycling pundits, pukes, personalities and bimbos, take a hands on approach to recycling by sorting through mountains of your dung , picking the ripest, stinkiest, most disgusting, useless, vile turds and repackaging them for your over re-consumption. Eat shit, stay mean, all from America’s 24 hour news that spews recycling machine!”

Fuck me! This has got to be a dream! I quickly pinch myself. It hurts. I look over at the tower clock against the wall in my living room. I can see the pendulum swinging side to side and I can hear the distinct tic-toc of the movement. Movement? I suddenly feel faint. Vertigo? The television starts blaring at me again. The volume has become so loud the walls are shaking. The pressure waves of a booming male voice pummel my eardrums.

“Hi! I’m Brandon Halston, star of “American Asshole”. Have you decided what your reality will be today? Well, search no further than GloogleDictionary.crap. A republi-christian evangelical theo-facist certified reference for definitions that fit your perfect christian alternate reality…”

NO!! NO!!! Someone please wake me up! Please! This is definitely worse than a simple dream! This is a fucking nightmare!!!!! Shit! Please! Please!!!!!

I wake up in a sweat. Not just any sweat. I’m sitting bolt upright. The sheets are soaked. I get up and walk to the bathroom. I grab a towel from the drawer and dry myself off, then look into the mirror. I see my face. I’m old. Very, very old. What happened? I was 50 years old when I went to bed! Now I look like I’m 100! Oh shit! I’m not awake!!! I’m not awake!!!! I run back into the bedroom and lay down on the bed. I have to wake up. I just have to. I close my eyes. Then suddenly…

“This is Dirk Dick with a special message from Jesus… Due to overwhelming demand for window seats and a shortage of portable toilets, Heaven is suspending operations until god can find a non-union toilet manufacturer and window washer. Thank you.”

I want to wake up. But, it seems that I never will. I lay there, paralyzed for what feels like hours, days, and weeks. I relive every single moment of every single sentence uttered during this nightmare. Then, suddenly… something changes.

“And now onto the news… America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. They’ve been outsourced according to the Commerce Department. Freedom is now managed by Christicorp, and bravery has been suckered overseas to fight for Pennies On the Dollar Energy Corp. Patriotism , once an inclusive club for anyone who loved liberty, is now an exclusive “red neck’s only” country club. God, Liquor and Guns, plenty of free parking, and no end to what you can get away with on the fairway as long as jesus is your co-pilot.”

“The dictionary is now a forgone memory. With the advent of individual word interpretation, under the guidance of the Department of Holy United Writ and Language, all word definitions are subject to interpretation as long as they are in compliance with state religious doctrine. See your neighborhood christian watch captain, or text your questions to Holy United Writ and Language, for more information.”

“The Justice Department and the Department of Homeland Security along with state and local law enforcement announced today that thousands of arrests were made last night in a major nationwide crackdown on liberals, socialists, secularists, atheists, muslims, homosexuals, lesbians, and other criminals. Check with your local television and internet providers for details on LIVE execution schedules.”

Damn it! I want to wake up! Someone please wake me up!!!!

Welcome to 21^st Century America. Welcome to Madness. The land of the easily fleeced, home of the woefully depraved. Please leave your minds at the door. Jesus will be here any minute. Really… How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?

This entry was posted on June 9, 2012 at 10:25 pm and is filed under Politics, Religion . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.