(The following is a transcript of John Mill’s roasting of RJ on the American Heathen® radio show during the ShockNet Radio 5th Anniversary Extravaganza & RJ’s Riproarin’ Roastapalooza. Air date 12/10/10)
Born November 30, 1961, RJ Evans, the son of a telemarketer and an insurance salesman, was born into a rental duplex in Minnesota. His parents, Rampant Joint Evans and Running Juice Evans, named him RJ for short – and because he was short: the little prick was home-schooled in reading, writing, and fishing with shotguns.
Taken away from Minnesota by missionaries, RJ spent most of his youth in Virginia playing soccer, jamming forks into light sockets, and building “American Gladiators” style obstacle courses in his back yard. After attending Florida State University to major in snack foods, RJ grew to over 2000 lbs. By then his initials stood for Really Gigantic Evans, showing that he was the product of religious education. He really believed Gigantic is spelled with a J.
Just before graduation, RJ heard his country’s call: he lost the weight and the religion and answered nature’s call.
You might say the Marines made a man out of him. RJ became one of the few and the proud before the Marines became a leisure service of the American Fundamentalist Church, his initials now standing for Ready to Join Evans. He got in as a scout/sniper. This is where his home schooling came in handy, although he finally learned that trigonometry has nothing to do with weapons. RJ helped train members of the Royal Thai Army in reconnaissance, Jap slaps and tattoo application. Mostly RJ provided security services at the officers club, keeping the wives busy while the officers partied inside.
The only operation RJ was assigned to turned out badly. He was ordered by an Army commander to secure a building recently liberated from the communists. Now, to the Army, “Secure the building” means put guards around the place. To the Navy it means turn out the lights and lock the doors. To the Air Force “secure the building” means take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy. But, being a Marine, RJ understood his orders to mean kill everybody inside and make it a command post.
After leaving the Marines, RJ – now transformed to Recovering Jarhead Evans – started composing memorable music. Of course, he had to have a day job while waiting for his big break, a job in which he had to move those microwave ovens, custom kitchens delivery, he had to move those refrigerators, and those color TVs. Because, when you think about it, that ain’t working. Money for nothing and your chicks for free?
But RJ worked hard, hoping to strike it big. While teaching Sinéad O’Connor how to compose Gaelic tunes, RJ also shaved his head. But as soon as O’Connor was ordained an Irish priest, RJ became a bald atheist.
It is a mystery what turned RJ into an angry (bald) atheist, but as such, RJ had a lot to say. So naturally, he became a broadcaster. RJ was not happy with his new radio name, Radio Joystick Evans, but he stuck it out, anyway. At his first radio station, KRUD, he was fired for using ho-fag-dago-wop-lesbo-mick-raghead-wetback and negro all in one sentence. It seems KRUD’s hymie lawyer was offended.
Now RJ’s radio days were back when you edited with a razor blade and slip-cued records to find the opening of the track; back when commercials were on endless loop carts you erased with bulk erasers and broadcast boards had round knobs and VU meters with needles; back when everything was analog – and “digital” meant you used your fingers. Come to think of it, RJ is still doing that!
To get back into Marine-Corps shape, RJ became a bodybuilder – known now as Ripped Jockstrap Evans – so now he was a body builder and a Marine. And I guess it goes without saying that he knows the best source of protein for a bodybuilder: another bodybuilder! Now I’m not saying RJ is a hardcore bodybuilder, but…
• He’s used the terms “carb loading”, “insulin spike”, and “donuts” in the same sentence.
• He can name 10 other competition-level bodybuilders, other than Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lou Ferrigno and Steve Reeves.
• He’s counted “reps” even while masturbating.
After RJ found an old Harley Davidson, he took to the road, now dubbed Road Jockey Evans. RJ chose Harley because he knows 98% of all Harleys ever sold are still on the road. The other 2% made it home!
He met his wife, Sherry, the biker chick known affectionately as Peeper, at a truck stop in Norman, Oklahoma, and promptly proposed. And who wouldn’t want to marry a bald, tattooed, biker, ex-marine angry talk-show atheist? RJ has been married to the beautiful and sexy-voiced Sherry, otherwise know as “Peeper,” for 28 years.
And RJ is very protective of his wife. One day, RJ called me, very upset. What’s wrong, I asked. “I just went home and caught my ol’ lady screwing my best friend!” What did you do? I asked. “Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out naked, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back.” That’s harsh, I said. What did you do to your friend? “I marched right back upstairs, I wagged my finger at him and said: bad dog!”
Surprisingly, baldness did not dissuade his wife, Peeper, from marrying him. Even though when he wears a turtleneck sweater RJ looks like a roll-on deodorant. Even though he’s so bald you can see what he’s thinking. At least he never has a bad hair day!
Nowadays we’ve dispensed with what RJ stands for. To us, we love him as just RJ. But age is creeping up on old RJ. Not that he has changed much. Every morning he takes a good dump, then has a long, strong piss, just like when he was a teenager. Only problem is, nowadays all this happens about five minutes before he wakes up!