American Heathen®

(Editorial Comment from the American Heathen® radio show – Air Date 02/19/10)

Breasts.  Memories of the warmth of a mother’s bosom.  It brings visions of caring, nurturing, tenderness… it warms the heart and soothes the mind.  How wonderful!  Yeah.  Right. Try this on for size!

Let’s talk about Jesus, the crucifix, tits and porn.  Yes, Jesus, the crucifix, tits…and porn.  I noticed something not too long ago.  Something that I was surprised hadn’t cratered my cranium many, many years earlier.  I was checking out some hot amateur women on the net.  Nothing out of the ordinary for any guy who actually likes women and his penis.  In fact, I really like checking out hot chicks and depressing myself over the fact that I’m too old for the vast majority of them, and the other fact that they wouldn’t have anything to do with an elder statesman such as myself to begin with.  Anyway… mid-tug I suddenly realized that over ninety percent of the smart phone photos I was looking at had Jesus bleeding profusely, dying in agony, hanging from an ancient torture device at the end of a chain and tightly nestled between two heaving, gorgeous tits.  Tugus-Interuptus!  Mind you, I wasn’t disparaged by the fictitious tragedy of Jesus.  No. The fiction got what he deserved anyway.  No. I was distracted away from my orgasmic bliss by my own hysterical laughter.  The blood that had inhabited my phallus was being detoured to the amusement center of my brain.  My funny bone stomped all over my love bone.  The juxtaposition of a religious icon at the center of self-righteousness, bigotry and hate…that proclaims ethical and moral superiority over all… that attacks human sexuality with more ferocity than any other human biological function other than taking a piss or shit… against the backdrop of the most obvious sexual organ other than the vagina (which is typically hidden from view), was too much for me to take.  This unexpected moment of compare and contrast destroyed my libido, and left me wondering if this moment was simply a coincidence, or a plague of hypocrisy the likes of which have never been seen before. I decided that if I were to ever get a hard-on again without breaking into gut wrenching laughter, I needed answers, and I needed them quick.

It’s not often that I go in search of tits and porn for matters other than pleasure.  But, this was one of those rare times when my hands were twiddling the keyboard as opposed to twiddling myself.  I was dead set on visiting as many porn related sites as possible and examining as many photographs as my eyes could handle, in the quest to find Jesus.  And boy, did I find Jesus!  From the tame to the extreme, Jesus loves porn!  In fact, it could be argued that Jesus is most likely the biggest male porn star of all time.  His likeness can be seen in so many photos, movies, e zines, posters, novelties… The Jew is one hell of a stud!  As I cruised the net and found Jesus, I had a revelation.  I wondered if this might be a better way for people to find Jesus?  I mean, he’s everywhere, he’s really a chick magnet, and what better way to save the sinner than to partake in the sin?  Everywhere I looked, there was Jesus, or the instrument of his death.  Gold, silver, bronze, jeweled, macrame, tattooed… the diversity of presentation was astounding.  And yet, with each page and with each photo representation of this icon of self-righteousness, I found my laughter growing exponentially.  And, then I saw it.

I had to check out a side of porn that really has no interest to me.  There’s nothing at all wrong with it.  But, for me, it just isn’t…well…me.  I went to a gay men porn site.  And there, low and behold, was Jesus!  Yes, Jesus is not only a stud with the women, but he’s also a fag!  Queer as sunlight and too hot to handle!  Jesus loves fags too!

I logged off the computer.  I had laughed myself into a potential puking fit.  My stomach was cramped to the point where I actually developed a temporary six-pack, my eyes were blood red, and my head pounded so hard it felt like I was being hit across the forehead with a baseball bat.  As I gathered myself together and slowly relaxed, I realized that I had indeed found Jesus and he wasn’t behind my couch.  He was on the Internet, and was the king of porn! What’s more important was that I was saved… saved from the excruciating pain of endless laughter and tugus-interuptus.  Now, I could go back to my daily biological routine, never the worry for my salvation, for Jesus was jizzin’ with me.

On a serious note…

What does this say about religion?  Well, for one thing it is another in a string of hypocrisies that reveals the lies of religion.  Because religion is so heavily focused on human sexuality, the compare and contrast of religious sexual morality with human sexuality is amazing.  The very idea that any believer is better than, or superior to, anyone outside of that belief system when it comes to sex is beyond ludicrous.  It is beyond laughable.  It reaches the realm of asinine.  Judge not lest ye be judged.  Yeah.  Right.  Keep in mind the judgment doesn’t come from me.  I could care less if you believe in a skydaddy and fuck like a bunny with Jesus as the third wheel.  But, I have to ask…  Since when do you have a right to tell me, or anyone else who, what, why, when, where, how, they can fuck, suck, jerk, work and flirt?  Yeah, you!  The bitch with the icon of self-righteousness hanging between your globes?  Who are you…the closet fag who declares that homosexuality is an abomination, but hangs your hat in a dirty bathroom stall, running your hand under the divider in hopes someone will stick their dick through the hole to satisfy your desires?  Who are you… the priest, reverend, pastor, who chooses to proclaim moral high ground while distorting normal sexuality, comparing it to child molestation while you threaten hell fire and damnation to get your dick sucked by an innocent child?
Who are you Jesus lovers?  I’ll tell you who you are.  You’re human.  You’re no better than anyone else.  You have the same sexual desires as everyone else.  And you also have the potential to abuse sexuality just as easily as anyone else.  The only difference between you and the rest of the world is you make claims to shield you from you and the world around you.  Your fear, your self-loathing, your denial…these are the things that make you a reprehensible human being who’s self-worth is wrapped tightly in a two thousand-year old self-righteous tantrum of ignorance.   So, while you wrap Jesus tightly between your tits, while taking it up the ass… While you secretly praise the King of Porn while sucking another mans dick… Jesus don’t really give a shit.  Want proof?  Check out a pair of tits.

This entry was posted on February 20, 2010 at 1:41 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Atheism, Atheist, Christian, Christianity, Fundamentalism, Humor, On-Line Porn, Religion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed Both comments and pings are currently closed.