American Heathen®

So one day an atheist is out in nature, enjoying everything that the natural world hath created through centuries of evolution and happenstance, when suddenly a big bear starts charging him.

The atheist runs as fast as he could, but the bear is bigger and faster and soon catches up to the atheist.

“Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap” shouted the atheist as he ran and ran as fast as his human legs could handle.

Then, as luck would have it, he tripped on a log and fell to the ground.  The bear was quickly upon the atheist, snarling and growling.  He raised his huge clawed paw high up and was prepared to draw first blood on the helpless mortal.

“OH CRAP!” exclaimed the atheist.  And then he did just that in his pants.

At that moment the bear stopped.  It got a whiff of what the atheist had consumed earlier that day and it was noxious, and it was suddenly turned off from doing any more harm.

But then there was a noise further up the hill.

Near the summit of the hill was a fundamentalist with a PDA in his hand, and he was busy typing away and laughing his self-righteous ass off over the whole situation.

“OH THIS IS GREAT!” exclaimed the fundie as he typed away on the little keys!  “This perfect!  This is divine retribution!  Where’s your atheism now, sinner?  You’re probably out there praying to God right now and he won’t help you!  You know why?  Because you disavowed him, and now he sent the bear to finish you off!  In fact, I’m going to write up the whole story and email it to my friends and spam-post it to everyone I know!  I just gotta make some changes to it and have you call out for God instead of just saying ‘Oh Crap’, and then… God says no… and then… oh, how about God makes the bear into a Christian and he then gives a blessing before killing the sinner!  Yeah!  That’s it!  YEAH!  YEAH!  SEND!  SEND!  SENT!  Yeah, suffer and DIE heathen!  Suffer and…”

But what the fundie didn’t realize was that while he was busy typing away on his PDA and laughing profusely at his own self-righteous joke, the bear decided that the fundie would make for a better meal, and had walked right up to him without notice.

“OH MY GOD!” exclaimed the fundie as the bear was about to strike him down.

He was hoping at that point that there really would be a divine intervention.  That God would step in and spare his life so he could learn from this lesson and be a better believer.

Then he realized, as the paw continued to drop down on him, that this wasn’t one of those fundie snuff jokes that he loved to write about and spam to his friends.

The moral of this story is simple: if you think that fundie snuff jokes used to validate your beliefs are funny, then you really are a sick bastard.

This entry was posted on December 20, 2009 at 3:04 pm and is filed under Religion with tags Christo-Jihadism, Fundamentalism, fundie snuff joke, non-joke. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed Both comments and pings are currently closed.