-Norman, OK- Local wildlife officials were called to investigate a possible homicide at the Lake Xanadu Atheist Compound in south east Norman this morning.  According to lead detective, Armand Peta, the victim was 6 year old Dan “Bull” Ribit, a resident of the lake.  At approximately 7:30am CDT,  a large vehicle struck, dismembered, and mutilated the victim as he was crossing the lawn on the north side of the compound.  Authorities say that entrails of the victim were strewn for several feet around the murder scene.

Family members were gathered lake side and were seen sobbing and holding one another as detectives scoured the scene for evidence.  Josephine Ribit, the victim’s wife said, ” I can’t believe he’s gone!  One minute he’s smiling at me as he’s hopping along, and the the next thing I know SLASH, SQUISH, SLASH, SQUISH!  It was horrible!  Thank god no one else was killed!  The rest of us are so blessed!” A neighbor of Mrs. Ribit, Bill Scissortail, a private pilot,  could be heard screaming  “That godless son-of-a-bitch is gonna pay!”

Authorities have a suspect in the case, but refuse to identify the perpetrator at this time.  A vehicle found in an outbuilding on the property matches a description of the one used in the crime.  The witness, Howard D. Grasshopper, was able to give the vehicle’s description to detectives. “Mr. Grasshopper  saw the vehicle and its operator, up close and personal” said detective Peta. “Apparently he found himself in the path of the murderer and leaped to safety in the nick of time” the detective went on to say.  The investigation is expected to continue throughout the day.

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I love mowing my lawn.  It’s one of my greatest joys.  It affords me the opportunity to reflect on the wonders of nature, the world, and the universe.  I have plenty of landscape to mow, and more than enough time to get the job done.  My wife and I own 10 acres, one half an acre which requires a lawn mower, the rest needs something bigger, more robust.  For that I use my John Deere (insert Tim Taylor grunts here).  During the summer I saddle up early in the morning and take a predetermined trek around the grass, the blades set at the perfect height to create my masterpiece of horticulture.  I like a well groomed lawn.

This morning started out no different than any other work day.  I arrived at the shop ( 50 feet from the back door of the house), fueled my faithful iron steed (his name is TORO), and plotted a course for the backyard.  As I arrived at the open gate I took note of the lawn height, made adjustments to the blades, engaged the blades, and proceeded to smile and sigh as I moved the drive levers forward.  Little did I know that Dan”Bull” Ribit and I were about to inadvertently meet. Up the hill to the back of the porch, across to the west I traveled.  The blades turning wildly, surgically trimming my grass to perfection.  Suddenly…SLASH, SQUISH, SLASH, SQUISH!  Before I knew it, I had committed cold blooded murder.  I stopped my forward progression, motor still revving high and blades still engaged.  I looked around to see if anyone had witnessed the carnage, then I smiled.  ‘You stupid fuckin’ toad!’ I thought.  ‘Darwin was right’ I mused.

President Obama was committed to the murder of his victim, a fly.  What’s more, he relished the moment as the act was filmed for the world to see.  The stupid fly didn’t heed the Presidents warning as he tried to wave it off,  and it paid the ultimate price for its inability to adapt.  Dan “Bull” Ribit also paid the ultimate price, and so does EVERY OTHER CREATURE on the planet.  At some point, regardless of how intelligent creatures are or are not, everything ends up dead.  There is no such thing as fair, good or bad, right or wrong, when the moment of death comes.  Death just is.  And, no matter how one tries to slice and dice the emotional aspect of the end there is simply nothing that can be done to avoid it.  This is not a new revelation, nor is it fresh and exciting.  But, it beckons me to ask why humans are so fearful of a process that is inevitable?  It doesn’t matter how it happens, it’s GOING TO HAPPEN.

I dare say that Dan “Bull” Ribit didn’t spend his short life praying to a skydaddy to forgive him for his sins before he met the cold steel of my blades, nor did he worry about living his life in a godly way.  I also dare say that there are no other creatures on this planet that do anything of the sort.   Humans, on the other hand, do, and have separated themselves from the natural process to which they are a product and slave to, NOT a producer and controller of.  How arrogant can humans be?  Humans are biological.  Period.  Therefore, any concept of separation from the natural world, espousing some special superior position over the natural processes that govern all living things, is a delusion.  What’s more, this very separation from the natural world is how humans feed the skydaddy delusion.  By claiming that humans are special, superior, better than, smarter than, at the top of the food chain blah, blah, blah… All of these attributes are fallacies.  Humans have evolved certain traits to adapt.  Period.  And while we may have certain advantages over other creatures, other creatures have certain advantages over us.  It’s really that simple.  It’s really that clear cut.

So, while those of you who live in the human skydaddy delusion worry about living your lives for a myth, and who treat death as something to fear (which doesn’t make any sense because heaven is supposed to be better than this life) I’m gonna live my life in admiration and anticipation of the natural processes of reality, all the while whistling as I work, and not worrying one iota about the giant lawnmower that will eventually run ME over.